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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22920274">The Simple Life</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morrigan2345/pseuds/Morrigan2345'>Morrigan2345</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reality Show, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 05:48:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,148</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22920274</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morrigan2345/pseuds/Morrigan2345</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>If Jaskier had known that the man who they’d be following for the next couple of days was some sort of grumpy, overly rude, beast of a man he might have prepared accordingly.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion &amp; Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>119</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Simple Life</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is... an excuse to write rich bitch Jaskier and normal person (but still a witcher) Geralt who, like everyone else, is kind of inexplicably attracted to ah, people like that.</p><p>(and I know, Geralt's a good man blah blah, but also.. someone who is literally money personified..is alluring if your profession is solely or at least mainly monetarily driven) </p><p>Also everyone is ooc...</p><p>And, yeah, The simple life was a good show... so good that I made Jaskier... paris hilton...</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If Jaskier thinks about how they ended up here too hard he starts to ugly laugh.</p><p>It’s just-</p><p>“God, Yennefer, really?  The Fendi boots, at the Monster Hunt?” He says, watching the camera quickly pan down then back up to catch Yennefer’s eye role.  She purses her lips, casually flicking a finger towards his midsection and he forces himself not to laugh.</p><p>He really does like making this show.</p><p>“Really, Jaskier, the <em>Burberry </em>on the <em>Monster Hunt</em>?” She shoots back, her tone exaggeratedly scandalized, “It’s like you’re trying to impress.”</p><p>This time he lets his eye lashes flutter, innocent as can be, “If I was trying to impress, the Burberry wouldn’t be the way I’d do it.” He says but before Yennefer can continue their little spat (he was <em>just </em>about to bring up the Laurent that she’s been carrying around with her these past couple of days,) their guide turns around abruptly.</p><p>If Jeskier didn’t know any better he’d say the man’s face was flushed slightly under all of that glower.</p><p>And what a <em>pretty</em> glower it is.</p><p>“Will you two, <em>please-“</em> the man growls and Jaskier has to shift the Burberry slightly which doesn’t escape Yennefer’s notice, who smirks, “Shut. Up.” And then he’s turning around and brandishing what looks to be a very well kept and <em>extremely </em>lethal sword.</p><p>Jaskier sighs, contentedly.</p><p>“Great ass.” Yennefer says, as they watch the man stomp away, the camera man swivels from their face to the Witcher’s frankly-</p><p>“Great ass.” He agrees and doesn’t miss the way the man’s shoulder’s twitch.</p><p>Honestly, how they even got here is a mystery.</p><p>It’s not as though the Studio hasn’t sent them to worse places than the swamp they’re currently in; the time at Chuck E. Cheese was a lifetime worth of nightmares Jaskier was not willing to relive, though this isn’t much better.</p><p>Or at least, it wasn’t until they met their new “boss”.  If Jaskier had known that the man who they’d be following for the next couple of days was some sort of grumpy, overly rude, <em>beast </em>of a man he might have prepared accordingly.</p><p>Case in point, he might be falling a little in love already.</p><p>“What do you think he’s after? He told us, right?” he asks Yennefer who’s trying to check her phone, which is a lost cause since there’s definitely no signal this deep into whatever wilderness the Witcher has made them trek through.</p><p>Said Witcher is currently waist deep in murky swamp water, head tilted to the side slightly, a frown marring his grisly features.</p><p>Said grisly features are currently making Jaskier feel things that aren’t appropriate for both a reality T.V. show or a Monster Hunt.  Though he <em>knows </em>their studio wouldn’t be opposed to drama between Yennefer and him when it came to getting into the Witcher’s soggy swamp filled pants, Jaskier’s having-</p><p>Well, he’s having thoughts.  Emotional thoughts.</p><p>They’re almost as distracting as the Witcher’s shirt getting ripped as he tries to wrestle whatever serpentine creature that’s just sprung up out of the swamp.</p><p>Almost.</p><p>“Looks like a snake.” Yennefer supplies, as she starts ruffling through the Witcher’s bag.  She starts pulling out items and showcasing them to the camera, which keeps cutting back and forth to the Witcher fighting to Yennefer’s impromptu show and tell.</p><p>Jaskiers more interested in the rippling muscles in front of him and then he’s horrified at the actual ripping of muscles as the serpent slithers it’s way up the Witcher’s arm and <em>bites,</em> “Blood!” he yells.  Later, Yennefer says that the only way the Witcher won the fight was because Jaskier screeched so loudly it stunned the snake long enough for the man to gain the upper hand.</p><p>That’s later, currently the camera is focused on both Yennefer’s and his face since whatever the Witcher seems to be doing to the Serpent isn’t probably allowed on T.V.</p><p>“Did he have to bite it’s-“</p><p>“You know what, you probably shouldn’t even say it.” He says faintly, watching with sick fascination as the Witcher turns back around and starts making his way towards their little dingy. </p><p>The man levels them with an unimpressed stare, they blink at him in synchronized innocence (that they’ve mastered) and startle as he slaps the carcass of the serpent between them.  He roughly pulls the bag in Yennefer’s hands back to his bare, but muddy chest and starts sorting through his belongings, “Don’t go through my shit.” He grumbles as he takes some sort of glowing bottle out of his bag.</p><p>Jaskier’s mouth falls open, exaggeratingly gasping and places a hand on Yennefer’ shoulder, “Don’t swear at us, we weren’t even doing anything!” he whines, and the man, who’s still in the water rolls his eyes.</p><p>“Sure,” he says, and takes a swig of whatever he pulled out, Jaskier watches in poorly hidden interest as the man’s pupils expand until the Witcher is looking at him with a frown and black, <em>hot</em> eyes, “and keep doing nothing, I can’t babysit the two of you.  Don’t step in the water- that is unless you want to die of course.”  He says and turns again to walk back to the center of the swamp.</p><p>“But you already killed one!  Can’t you just bring this little guy back and get us the money?” Jaskier yells after him.</p><p>The Witcher tilts his head, Jaskiers a little surprised that the man seems to be humoring him, “It travels in packs, have to get rid of the nest.” And before Jaskier can convince him otherwise the man plunges into somehow deeper waters.</p><p>Slightly taken aback, Jaskier glances at Yennefer- who’s not even paying attention and is instead looking intently into the contents of the Witcher’s bag, again.</p><p>“You think he’ll be okay,” He says with a forlorn frown, he sees the camera zoom onto his face, “I know he’s probably done this before but I kind of have a feeling- Oh! Are those corn nuts?”</p><p>“Lightly salted.”</p><p>“Whatever, I’m on keto- hand it over.”</p><p>She snorts, “You’re not on keto, bitch,” and pulls back enough that the dingy rocks a little as Jaskier risks a lunge towards the snack, mindful of the serpent between them, “you’re on paleo and I haven’t eaten yet.”</p><p>There’s a rumble in the middle of the swamp but otherwise it stays silent, “Neither have I, you slut, I’m starving!” and this time when he moves to grab the little plastic bag full of delicious rock hard corn kernels his knee connects with the side of Yennefer’s seat painfully.  Which would have just bruised his ego since that was definitely going in the episode but because there’s a <em>damn </em>serpent carcase underneath his feet he slips and ends up tipping over the side into the <em>disgusting </em>swamp water.</p><p>He splashes, coming up for air with a dramatic gasp, and turns a horrified glare towards Yennefer who’s now got the bag of corn open and munching loudly.  At least she looks over the edge with a sympathetic frown, “The Burberry.”</p><p>Jaskier sighs and looks down, “The Burberry.” He says mournfully, trying to keep at least some of it out of the muddy water.</p><p>“Oh god, get out of the water.” Is what Jaskier hears from their mostly silent camera man before he feels something wrap around his floating arm and pull him backward.</p><p>A scream rips through his throat as he’s dragged underwater, a couple things happen in quick succession; first, he feels teeth wrap onto his wrist, though it only last half a second until they suddenly go lax and he feels something pry open the thing’s jaws allowing him to retract his arm.  Then he tries to swim to the surface, which turns out isn’t so much a swim as it is stop crouching but before he can comprehend that small fact somethings now pulling him up, <em>up-</em></p><p>“<em>Idiot</em>!” the same something hisses in his ears as he’s hauled up against-</p><p>Oh.</p><p>“Oh.” The Witcher’s chest is slimy and he doesn’t really know whose blood that is but <em>oh-</em></p><p>“Jaskier!” Yennefer yells, nuts abandoned in favour of trying to poorly steer the dingy towards them.</p><p>He feels (and isn’t that a sensation) the Witcher sigh, the action ruffling Jaskier's hair and starts to move towards her, “Stop, I don’t need you falling in too.”</p><p>He knows he’s shaking a little, but at least the Witcher isn’t saying anything, so when he gets deposited back into the raft his arms snake around himself as he watches the man drop another three or four serpent carcass at Yennefer’s feet before hoping on.  The man’s eyes have gone back to their natural colour but he’s not looking at Jaskier’s face, just his wrist, “let me see.” He says, in a calm voice that Jaskier hasn’t heard come out of the man’s mouth in the short time they’ve known him.  The action has his body tremoring less as he extends his hand towards the other man, he sees the glint of the camera’s lens but-</p><p>There are careful but rough hands encircling his wrist, turning gently to see the extent of the damage but Jaskier’s attention isn’t on the throbbing in his wrist (well, not <em>fully</em>, the cuts still hurt like a bitch.)</p><p>“Thank you.” He says hesitantly, and the man looks up- curiously, if Jaskier can even call that an expression on the other man’s face.</p><p>“You’re an idiot.” He says and prods at the wound, causing a surge of pain and tears to gather at the corner of his eyes.</p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>.” He says, strained, and he can feel Yennefer put a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“Don’t swear.” The Witcher says and while he sounds apologetic, he doesn’t explain why he made the wound hurt until Jaskier see’s globs of purple roll out from underneath his skin.</p><p>“I think I’m gonna vomit.” He says and Yennefer rubs his back.</p><p>“I’ll hold your hair don’t worry.” She says, and the teasing lilt to her tone and the fact that she’s not cringing from the mess that she’s definitely running her hands through has him relaxing slightly- enough for the last of whatever’s coming out of his skin to stop and be replaced by his own blood.</p><p>“What the fuck?” he asks breathlessly and tries not to groan as the other man grabs a cloth from his first aid kit and starts to wrap his wrist.</p><p>“Poison.” He says simply and before Jaskier can start panicking again he turns back to the motor of the boat and starts it up, “We need to get you to a doctor, but you should be fine- teeth were only in there for a second.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah.” Jaskier says, good hand fluttering, “Sure, teeth only for a second- sounds great.  I’m gonna take a nap.”</p><p>Before anyone can say anything he’s already tipping onto Yennefer’ shoulder and closing his eyes.</p><p>When he wakes up he’s being carried again, “You should stop carrying me, people will talk.” He slurs, still tired.</p><p>He feels a huff, “The only people who might say anything of worth are the one’s that hopefully cancel your fucking show.”</p><p>He shifts his head from the muscled shoulder, “Asshole.” He mutters, but feels better when he sees the Witcher grin slightly.</p><p>“I guess.” And only then does Jaskier realize that he’s being carried to a helicopter, the blades slowly coming to life, “Only an asshole would let something this bad happen to a delicate thing like you.”</p><p>He knows he’s mouth is hanging open, but- “You can’t talk to me like that.” He says faintly, fighting a blush.</p><p>The Witcher Shrugs him onto a cot in the helicopter, “I’m an asshole.”  He says like that’s in any way an answer and moves to leave.</p><p>Before the helicopter’s blades become too loud Jaskier says, “I forgot your name.” silently asking for it again.</p><p>Bemused, the Witcher sighs something about <em>spoilt </em>and <em>delicate</em>, but comes back closer for a second to murmur into Jaskier’s ear, “Geralt.” He says and by the time Jaskier needs to recover from the sensation of warm air on his ear the other man is already stepping outside of the helicopter.</p><p>Yennefer jumps in and takes his place, smoothly taking his hand into her own, but he shouts after the man, “I’ll find you on Instagram!” and he’s sure Geralt’s heard him because he sees him tilt his head and glance briefly backwards with a frown.</p><p>“Don’t think he has one.” Yennefer says, and Jaskier shrugs.</p><p>“Was worth a shot.”</p><p>But, really, if Jaskier thinks about it he has a feeling that this won’t be the last time he sees Geralt, whether that’s fortunate or not only time will tell.</p><p>Snorting, Jaskier finally rests back to the cot, hand in hand with Yennefer, and dreams of nothing more than a surprisingly gentle hand on his face.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I know this could have been more fleshed out but I'm also trying to write another thing so I didn't want to run out of stamina! </p><p>Edit: This ended up on goodreads, I am LAUGHING so hard that is hilarious... I didn't think that actually happened to people... oh my god that's funny..</p><p>Thank you guys for reading, hope you enjoyed!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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